I can only sleep with a nightlight, unless I have someone else in my bed with me.
It’s a good step though, being able to sleep has been wonderfully healing. My heart palpitations are at a minimum…or they’re still constant but quieter, I’m not sure. Is that just a heartbeat? I’ve kinda forgotten what a normal heartbeat is.
Anyway, I still haven’t gone for that run and I truly believe it will never happen. I won’t even run for a bus, why would I now, especially since it’s gonna rain for the rest of the year. I’m okay thanks. My knees are getting worse and I do need to exercise at some point - so need to figure out how to get to this stage.
Maybe I can disassociate from the concept of running. OR disassociate from my anxiety? Actually that’s a good point…what do I disassociate from? I guess, does it even matter, when it helps me navigate my days? My form of disassociation comes in a few forms:
I don’t do emotions.
What I mean by that is I don’t cry, I avoid issues in my life and I find myself faking happiness. I will always be seen as an emotional person - I get excited for other people, I love seeing good friends and I cry at TV and film. But I don’t cry about anything that happens in my life, I derail a conversation about my success and work by getting excited for others and I move away from facing myself by being with friends I respect. So, basically…I ignore myself. I pretend I’m not there.
My mood shifts significantly.
One moment I’m inspired and excited about work, the next I’m laying in a swamp of self hatred and depression. I send some emails and move towards working, but I don’t feel good about any of it. I stop working and then have guilt from not working. And so on. There’s been a couple of times when I’ve been out that my mood is so down it reflects on others around me.
I’ve removed moments of my life from my mind.
There are huge chunks of my life that I’ve removed from my mind. I refuse to see or relive them - there must be a reason they are removed. Thinking about this then exacerbates my anxiety.
I don’t feel like me.
I represent my magazine, so I guess I’ve given it a personality, which I send out to events. It makes jokes, is personable and enjoys talking to people. And during this all I want to do close my eyes and keep them closed for as long as possible. Sometimes I feel floaty. Okay, this is hard to explain, but sometimes I feel like I don’t belong where ever I am, because my body is there but my mind definitely isn’t.
Anyway, I have an assessment call with a therapist now. Jesus.